Tuesday, July 17, 2012
The heart is wise in it's delicacy. It's knows the moment it begins beating that one day it will stop. With this knowledge, it becomes the body's strongest muscle. It makes us pump and vibrate forward. It is our life center. It is our love center. It is the candy beneath our sugar coated rib cages. As the center of our emotional body, it fills us with idealizations that we push towards like the flow of blood beneath that it leads as well. Pumping. Pumping. Pumping up roses; coming up still born. We are children of the atom, the ID, the father, son, and holy of holy. We are children of lust and locomotion, of the mistake, mistook, and misinformed. We are singular units that flow in the sea of WE. All is illusion and desperation beneath the eyes. We lose our place. We lose our minds. We lose our virtues for what is empty and untrue. I worship you, oh idol of ideals. I cross myself over and over an bear the burdens of all my missteps. As a child true and yet sensitive I am not above lust and locomotion. My wheels turn hard with desires. The desire to hold, to be held, to belong to, with, and for. There is a cost you see. A cost for someone like me. I pay by waiting. I pay for my desires by giving up my dreams. By falling off the rails hoping to not get too far ahead of the things I love because the road ahead may be brilliant and necessary but it's also lonely. I've never been lonely, but I have also never traveled very far ahead of everyone else. I keep safe. I keep safe and learn to quiet the urges inside my chest. I make the pounding something else. The flapping of wings, a nerves tight ticking, just the body counting it's breaths,or steps, or blinks. I make the choice to stay stationary. To stay with you. You are all I want. I have decided that. I have chosen that. You are all I want to see, no matter what I make my life, it's you I want in it. This I know. It beats heavy inside my chest. It makes me anxious and afraid. I choose you...another outside myself. The only other I want to keep, and somewhere echoing in the canyon of my chest I hear the chant. I hear heart's spirit singing out to me. It's a warning...a warning sung sweetly. So delicate the heart can be in it's wisdom. It's hear tapping on my shoulder to spread the awareness and I begin to fall. This demon in me that craves my life...that feels suffocated by everything I keep and do and am stands at attention. It crosses the street daring life to happen. Willing it to come out and push me forward. And I begin to rotate outwardly. Beyond my body I see the universe of connections. Planets and satellites of life surround me in heavyweight. The cycling forward and out, the beginning of some remapped war begins. The war for me. The war inside my chest. It echoes...it echoes...it echoes. It sings: I can't belong to you. I can't belong to you. I can't be yours. I'm anything but your kind. It sings. A welling springs up to my eyes. I wonder if it's just this moment now. This moment now that causes this lack of definition. Is it my intuition buzzing or am I projecting my fears into space? I have love, but can I keep it. I have someone, but are they here when I'm alone. In this dense space where I have chosen them...am I keeping them alive or spinning them out? The heart knows how to pump and push and live for today because today is all it has. This urgency, this finite arena, this subtle chest's fragility is both the organ and a treasure. Buried deep within it sings...it sings...it sings our blood into orbit. Propels our lives forward into our chosen spaces. The caged bird lives and sings and finds a way to adapt, but unhinged is my certainty. I am seeking. Seeking the urgency to appreciate this today. Any today. To be wise in my own delicacy and find away to pump and push myself out of all this. To understand the significance to all that this is. This life, these choices, this love. We are all desperate. Made so by our creators and our creations. We are desperately looking for ourselves, our other half, our tribe, our spirits. We are children lost on the wheel. The wheel is the world and we spin our stories as life urgently. I want to know the fullness beneath all this. All that this is. This life, these choices, this love. I am a seeker. Seeking with urgency the strength to live with my own delicacy in the sea of WE.