Saturday, October 1, 2011
Sometimes it takes a crisis. Sometimes someone has to lose something of great import before they hit the proverbial wall. It can take a crisis before you reach that level of self uncomfortableness that causes you to really have that moment. That moment where you sit with yourself and realize...really wake up and say: I can't live like this anymore. I can't be this person. For some of us change comes easier...with no loses or irreparable damage. I am not so lucky. About a month ago I overworked myself, overextended myself in every possible way and sort of backed myself into an emotional corner. This was nothing new to me because it's been a pattern my whole life, or at least for the past 15 years. I take on a lot of unnecessary things and then don't give myself much of a break. I begin to make impulsive decisions: overspending, dropping important commitments, cutting people off or out of my life impulsively...not very cool behavior.
In the process of, I cut the closest person to me out of my life on a whim...on sheer impulse...on basic level fear. The moment I really felt the loss it all sunk in. My denials, my fears, my armor, my illusions and ultimately the way I have been choosing to live my life for so long. I am a dreamer which most people would say isn't a bad quality, but I ghost through my life. Never making any full on commitments or touching down to stake a claim on something bigger and better. I've been okay for so long, and that's not a bad place to be but it's not good, it's not striving to be better, it's not growing.
So over the past month I've made some pretty decent strides in my life to build it and me up...to try and stake that claim on my life and do something with it. This blog was one of the ideas that sprung from all the exploring and introspection. It is my catalog of change. My goal holder. My memory pool. It's called the 365 Day Promise because I am giving myself an entire year to change what is fundamental in my life and really set myself moving on a path to creating the life for myself I really want to live. That's the big goal. There is a dream within that goal as well. The dream is that I can show the person I so foolishly gave up that they are loved consistently, that I want to be better for us, do better, love better and create a life for myself that is good enough for them to be a part of again.
I am a dreamer and a huge romantic, and I suppose someone has to do those love blind things that fuel the stories for romantic comedies and the romance novels out there, so in this I will be a fool for love. I know dreams don't always come true, but I'd be glad in knowing that they've felt a true and honest love from me whether or not they choose me in the end. I will forever be grateful to them for being my "epiphany relationship" no matter what happens.
And here it all begins. Today, I begin the journey...to drop my illusions and conditioning and let reality, truth, and love be my tools for transformation. Today I make the biggest commitment I can to my life and lay it all out there. It is today.